Okay, so normally I do a ton of complaining about my job. I'm a cube drone. I work in a call center. Most people would agree and think that this is one of the most boring, pointless, fattening jobs in the world. This week so far has been pretty fun. I've spent the last couple of days making a list of qualities I'm looking for in a potential mate. Well actually we've been making list. All of my cube mates have contributed to the list which evolved into 3 lists. I'm posting this in hopes that I'll come back to it and laugh at how silly I was in the fall of 2007.
The first list is absolute must-haves. If he doesn't posses these qualities, I won't be taking him very seriously.
1) He must be employed. This originally was: He must be employed and/or rich, but the more I think about it, I'd prefer someone who actually knows what it feels like to struggle and to work. If someone just has money, I'm not sure it would work out very well.
2) He must have a valid driver's license. I sell insurance and if you need it to buy insurance, you need it to date me.
3) He must love Halloween. He doesn't need to be all into costumes, but I'm a big old Halloween-y
4) He must be able to park/drive a manual car. My car is a stick shift and I expect him to be able to move it.
5) He must like cars. He doesn’t need to be a major car guy, but I don't want to know more things about cars than he does.
6) He should be mechanically inclined. I'd like him to be able to do minor repairs if I'm stranded somewhere. He should also know enough to know when to call a professional.
7) He should be able to have enough strength to carry me. I'm not thinking cutesy carrying, wedding style. I'm thinking dead weight carrying because I’m passed out or just playing around.
8) He must have a sense of humor; preferably dark.
9) He should have a hobby. I don’t mind if its comic books, D&D or video games, so long as it occupies enough time to keep him out of trouble
10) He should have or be pursuing at least a bachelors degree.
11) He must be computer literate.
12) He should be taller than me. I’m only 5 ft tall so it shouldn’t be very difficult.
13) He should live an active lifestyle. Whether he enjoys working out, camping, golfing, just some sort of physical activity.
14) He should like cartoons. Cartoons keep a guy young. I also pepper my daily conversations with references to the Simpsons or Family Guy and I would be very disappointed if they were lost on him.
15) He should be intelligent. This one is very subjective. I don’t need a MENSA level IQ or tests to prove he’s smart, but he can’t be completely devoid of original though. I have a trivial pursuit obsession so I'd like him to play with me.
16) He absolutely must be bilingual. I don’t care what two languages he speaks (with the exception of pig latin and klingon.) Speaking more than one language is important to me.
17) He should be family oriented. He should have a good relationship with his family and genuinely enjoy spending time with them.
18) He must have a cell phone. That’s for no other reason than the fact that I like to text message.
19) He should be chivalrous (Opening car doors, etc.)
20) He must be literate.
21) He should be punctual. I’m not saying 5 minutes early, but if he says “I’ll pick you up at 8:30.” He should not show up at 11.
22) He should have survival skills. I don’t need him to be a discovery channel show, but if our car breaks down in the forest, I won’t tolerate him crawling into the fetal position and crying until I start a fire.
23) He should be tolerant of my weird interests. Particularly Hello Kitty
24) He should be observant. He should notice what happens around him.
25) He should be between the ages of 25 and 35.
26) Good communicator. He must be able to speak and to listen.
27) He has to have a decent vocabulary. I don't want to define everything I say.
The second list that we came up with is characteristics that I’m fairly indifferent to, but if taken into either extreme I would be turned off.
1) Smoking. No chain smokers, but no militant anti smoking activists
2) Children. I don’t care if he has one but 6 babies from 5 different baby’s mamas would bother me.
3) Karaoke. He can’t love it but he can’t loathe it either.
4) Ethnicity. I don’t care what he is as long as he’s not a crazy Nazi.
5) Property. He can own a home or not for all I care as long as he’s not homeless. (or a squatter)
6) Motorcycle. Bikes are nice, but I’d rather not be on the back of one.
7) Political preference. Liberal or conservative or other, just don’t push your beliefs on me.
8) Religion. I don’t care what religion as long as you’re not an extremist. Oh yeah, no scientologists.
9) Piercings and tattoos. As long as they don’t interfere with his ability to hold down a job or get him stared at, it doesn’t matter to me. i.e.: no face tattoos, horns, pipes through the head, lip plates etc.
10) Taste in clothing. As long as he’s willing to change, I can look past the 12 year old t-shirt.
11) Military. As much as I’d love a man in uniform, it’s not a requirement.
12) Pets. I don’t mind them as long as he doesn’t treat them like children (with the exception of cats, I’m really allergic to cats)
13) Fighting. He can’t be prone to violence, but he has to be able to defend himself.
14) Jail. It really depends why he went to jail. If it was a traffic ticket he forgot to pay I’m cool, but if he beat up his ex-girlfriend, I have an issue with that.
15) Jealous. I want someone who isn’t crazy, but I do want him to notice if I’m being noticed.
16) Friends. He shouldn’t have friends that make me question who he is. Dime con quien andas y te diré quien eres.
17) Drinking. No alcoholics and no teetotalers.
18) Cliché. He’s got to have a sense of whimsy but I don’t want him to rely on tried and true.
19) Sterile. He can be sterile, but it can bother him.
20) Math. He has to be able to perform at least basic arithmetic but I’m not expecting a calculus whiz. I don’t mind it but it’s not a requirement.
21) Adventurous. I want someone who likes to have a good time, but he can’t be all “ Jackass”
The third and final list consists of characteristics that drive me crazy. These are major deal breakers for me.
1) He must not deal or use illicit drugs.
2) He must not be currently married.
3) He can’t be FAT. This is not just me being shallow, but it does say a lot about a person’s genetics and his willpower as well as his perspective on food.
4) He cannot have an over inflated ego. He can be aware of his good qualities, but he can’t let them get to his head.
5) He cannot be mentally ill. We’re all a little crazy, but I don’t want someone who lets the voices interfere with his every day life.
6) He cannot have more than 3 nipples. 2 are preferred. 3 are okay, 1 is fine also, but I have to draw the line at 4+.
7) He can’t be overly stubborn. Holding to his beliefs is fine, but he has to be able to admit when he is wrong.
8) He cannot use nail polish or makeup. I don’t want a guy that’s more made up than I am.
9) He cannot be a mama’s boy. He should love his mama, but she can’t be the controlling factor in his life.
10) He can’t have a history of cheating. Once at a drunken party at age 18 is a maybe but if it’s a consistent pattern of this I’ll have to pass.
11) He can’t be a hippie. I want a guy who bathes, who won’t pester me about eating meat, or about driving my car or my other consumption patterns.
12) He cannot have VD. I don’t care which one, no VD of any kind.
13) He cannot be in the habit of speaking in the 3rd person. It’s annoying.
14) He cannot be stinky. Please bathe regularly
15) No cry babies or drama queens. On second thought, no queens of any kind.
16) He can’t be a male stripper. I just don’t find that attractive.
17) He can’t be into sending mass emails/ chain letters. That’s also annoying.
18) He can’t be a “playa”
19) He can’t be celibate either.
20) He can’t be a bad speller. It’s just weird to say too when you mean to or two.
21) He can’t be a bigot.
22) He can’t be a celebrity.
23) His fetishes must remain in the realm of what is still socially acceptable.
24) He can’t carry around a backpack everywhere. I don’t like backpacks. That’s just me being shallow.
Those are my lists. If any of you know someone who meets these qualifications, please send him my way.
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