4 posts tagged “dating”

like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed." Martina Navratilova.

I'm a little bit of a commitment-phobe. Okay, maybe more than a little bit. Thats probably the main reason why i haven't gotten a tattoo yet.

I've been with my share of losers, but maybe part of it is my fault. Maybe i pick losers because i don't want to commit to anyone worthwhile.

New year, new me. So i'm going to make myself more open. I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to lay some eggs in the meantime, but maybe i'll meet someone. 

If I don't, I know I'm perfectly capable of bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. 

que bueno por conocer

The best translation for this phrase would be something like "better the devil you know:

As many of my friends know, I've been considering getting back together with my ex-boyfriend. He's mildly unstable, has a mild mental illness, and is showing some warning signs of alcoholism.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I love him, but I do care about him. He's thoughtful, sweet, but more importantly I know what to expect. I'm a little weary of starting from scratch. My track record isn't spectacular. 

I am a magnet for guys that are bad for me. Or maybe guys that are bad for me are for me. I'm not sure who attracts what, but I don't want to jump into the unknown because by the time I figure out he has a second family/ has a drug problem/ is an illegal immigrant/ worships the devil/ is the a wanted felon, I'm too emotionally invested to let go.

With the ex, I'm aware of most of his problems. He frequently tells me that he loves me and misses me. He makes me feel appreciated. There's no fireworks or birds singing when we kiss, but I'm also not in fear for my life.

We worked through some problems in the past and if he goes back to his lying, cheating, cold, dead-beating, two-timing, double dealing, mean, mistreating ways, I'm gone and this would be the last time we break up.

I said that the last time we broke up, but this time I mean it.

Okay, so normally I do a ton of complaining about my job. I'm a cube drone. I work in a call center. Most people would agree and think that this is one of the most boring, pointless, fattening jobs in the world. This week so far has been pretty fun. I've spent the last couple of days making a list of qualities I'm looking for in a potential mate. Well actually we've been making list. All of my cube mates have contributed to the list which evolved into 3 lists. I'm posting this in hopes that I'll come back to it and laugh at how silly I was in the fall of 2007.

The first list is absolute must-haves. If he doesn't posses these qualities, I won't be taking him very seriously.

1) He must be employed. This originally was: He must be employed and/or rich, but the more I think about it, I'd prefer someone who actually knows what it feels like to struggle and to work. If someone just has money, I'm not sure it would work out very well.

2) He must have a valid driver's license. I sell insurance and if you need it to buy insurance, you need it to date me.

3) He must love Halloween. He doesn't need to be all into costumes, but I'm a big old Halloween-y

4) He must be able to park/drive a manual car. My car is a stick shift and I expect him to be able to move it.

5) He must like cars. He doesn’t need to be a major car guy, but I don't want to know more things about cars than he does.

6) He should be mechanically inclined. I'd like him to be able to do minor repairs if I'm stranded somewhere. He should also know enough to know when to call a professional.

7) He should be able to have enough strength to carry me. I'm not thinking cutesy carrying, wedding style. I'm thinking dead weight carrying because I’m passed out or just playing around.

8) He must have a sense of humor; preferably dark.

9) He should have a hobby. I don’t mind if its comic books, D&D or video games, so long as it occupies enough time to keep him out of trouble

10) He should have or be pursuing at least a bachelors degree.

11) He must be computer literate.

12) He should be taller than me. I’m only 5 ft tall so it shouldn’t be very difficult.

13)  He should live an active lifestyle. Whether he enjoys working out, camping, golfing, just some sort of physical activity.

14) He should like cartoons. Cartoons keep a guy young. I also pepper my daily conversations with references to the Simpsons or Family Guy and I would be very disappointed if they were lost on him.

15) He should be intelligent. This one is very subjective. I don’t need a MENSA level IQ or tests to prove he’s smart, but he can’t be completely devoid of original though. I have a trivial pursuit obsession so I'd like him to play with me.

16) He absolutely must be bilingual. I don’t care what two languages he speaks (with the exception of pig latin and klingon.) Speaking more than one language is important to me.

17) He should be family oriented. He should have a good relationship with his family and genuinely enjoy spending time with them.

18) He must have a cell phone. That’s for no other reason than the fact that I like to text message.

19) He should be chivalrous (Opening car doors, etc.)

20) He must be literate.

21) He should be punctual. I’m not saying 5 minutes early, but if he says “I’ll pick you up at 8:30.” He should not show up at 11.

22) He should have survival skills. I don’t need him to be a discovery channel show, but if our car breaks down in the forest, I won’t tolerate him crawling into the fetal position and crying until I start a fire.

23) He should be tolerant of my weird interests. Particularly Hello Kitty

24) He should be observant. He should notice what happens around him.

25) He should be between the ages of 25 and 35.

26) Good communicator. He must be able to speak and to listen.

27) He has to have a decent vocabulary. I don't want to define everything I say.

The second list that we came up with is characteristics that I’m fairly indifferent to, but if taken into either extreme I would be turned off.

1)      Smoking. No chain smokers, but no militant anti smoking activists

2)      Children. I don’t care if he has one but 6 babies from 5 different baby’s mamas would bother me.

3)      Karaoke. He can’t love it but he can’t loathe it either.

4)      Ethnicity. I don’t care what he is as long as he’s not a crazy Nazi.

5)      Property. He can own a home or not for all I care as long as he’s not homeless. (or a squatter)

6)      Motorcycle. Bikes are nice, but I’d rather not be on the back of one.

7)      Political preference. Liberal or conservative or other, just don’t push your beliefs on me.

8)      Religion. I don’t care what religion as long as you’re not an extremist. Oh yeah, no scientologists.

9)      Piercings and tattoos. As long as they don’t interfere with his ability to hold down a job or get him stared at, it doesn’t matter to me. i.e.: no face tattoos, horns, pipes through the head, lip plates etc.

10)  Taste in clothing. As long as he’s willing to change, I can look past the 12 year old t-shirt.

11)  Military. As much as I’d love a man in uniform, it’s not a requirement.

12)  Pets. I don’t mind them as long as he doesn’t treat them like children (with the exception of cats, I’m really allergic to cats)

13)  Fighting. He can’t be prone to violence, but he has to be able to defend himself.

14)  Jail. It really depends why he went to jail. If it was a traffic ticket he forgot to pay I’m cool, but if he beat up his ex-girlfriend, I have an issue with that.

15)  Jealous. I want someone who isn’t crazy, but I do want him to notice if I’m being noticed.

16)  Friends. He shouldn’t have friends that make me question who he is. Dime con quien andas y te diré quien eres.

17)  Drinking. No alcoholics and no teetotalers.

18)  Cliché. He’s got to have a sense of whimsy but I don’t want him to rely on tried and true.

19)  Sterile. He can be sterile, but it can bother him.

20)  Math. He has to be able to perform at least basic arithmetic but I’m not expecting a calculus whiz. I don’t mind it but it’s not a requirement.

21)  Adventurous. I want someone who likes to have a good time, but he can’t be all “ Jackass”

The third and final list consists of characteristics that drive me crazy. These are major deal breakers for me.

1)      He must not deal or use illicit drugs.

2)      He must not be currently married.

3)      He can’t be FAT. This is not just me being shallow, but it does say a lot about a person’s genetics and his willpower as well as his perspective on food.

4)      He cannot have an over inflated ego. He can be aware of his good qualities, but he can’t let them get to his head.

5)      He cannot be mentally ill. We’re all a little crazy, but I don’t want someone who lets the voices interfere with his every day life.

6)      He cannot have more than 3 nipples. 2 are preferred. 3 are okay, 1 is fine also, but I have to draw the line at 4+.

7)      He can’t be overly stubborn. Holding to his beliefs is fine, but he has to be able to admit when he is wrong.

8)      He cannot use nail polish or makeup. I don’t want a guy that’s more made up than I am.

9)      He cannot be a mama’s boy. He should love his mama, but she can’t be the controlling factor in his life.

10)  He can’t have a history of cheating. Once at a drunken party at age 18 is a maybe but if it’s a consistent pattern of this I’ll have to pass.

11)  He can’t be a hippie. I want a guy who bathes, who won’t pester me about eating meat, or about driving my car or my other consumption patterns.

12)  He cannot have VD. I don’t care which one, no VD of any kind.

13)  He cannot be in the habit of speaking in the 3^rd person. It’s annoying.

14)  He cannot be stinky. Please bathe regularly

15)  No cry babies or drama queens. On second thought, no queens of any kind.

16)  He can’t be a male stripper. I just don’t find that attractive.

17)  He can’t be into sending mass emails/ chain letters. That’s also annoying.

18)  He can’t  be a  “playa”

19)  He can’t be celibate either.

20)  He can’t be a bad speller. It’s just weird to say too when you mean to or two.

21)  He can’t be a bigot.

22)  He can’t be a celebrity.

23)  His fetishes must remain in the realm of what is still socially acceptable.

24)  He can’t carry around a backpack everywhere. I don’t like backpacks. That’s just me being shallow.

Those are my lists. If any of you know someone who meets these qualifications, please send him my way.

So I'm here at work with the guys. T is practicing his guitar and I suggested that he learn to play 50 ways to leave your lover. It's one of my favorite songs and I consider it the best break up tutorial. That brought us to the subject of this post. We really want to know how may ways we can come up with to leave a lover. Lets start with what the song says:

1) Just slip out the back, Jack

2) Find a new plan, Stan

3) No need to be coy, Roy, just get yourself free

4) Hop on the bus, Gus

5) Just drop off the key, Lee

Now the ways that we've come up with

6) Make a quick call, Paul

7) Don't say good bye, Guy

Okay so now we ran out of things that rhyme. So we have decided to come up with enough break up lines to reach the 50 we're going for.

8) It's not you its me... I can't stand you

9) I am married to the sea.

10) Why don't we just take a break?

11) The only way to appreciate eachother is to see other people.

12) Really, it's not you, I'm just going through a selfish phase.

13) Maybe we have too much in common, we're too much alike.

14) Life is too short to make a mistake.

15) Yes, I love you but I really really hate you too.

16) You mean more to me than life itself, but I'm suicidal

17) I wish I had just stayed your friend.

18) I can't see myself with you when i'm 80.

19) I'm sorry, I just can't. Please don't hate me.

20) I miss being happy.

21) You simply can't make the heart feel something it wont, and mine won't. I'm sorry.

22)It's not me it's you.

23) Sorry, I was drunk...For about the last 6 months.

24) I just need some space.

25) I want to know what it's like to be alone.

26) I just need some time to figure out what I want/ who I am.

27) I don't want to be with you.

28) If you were about to say that you just wanted fun and no labels, I'd want to continue. But I think you want more.

29) You just know me too well and that freaks me out

30) Get dressed quickly or you're leaving in your pajamas

31) We're different religions. It will never work

32) We don't make eachother happy, is that what you want to hear?

33) I really like you, you're a great person and we have great fun  - you're just not a long-term prospect.

34) Sorry, you're not the one.

35) The sex is great, but i just dont love you.

36) I love my mother more than I love you.

37) I want to be able to see other people without hurting you.

38) Have you always been so boring?

39) I need a lover who understands that 20 hours a day on the Internet is normal.

40) If the phone doesnt ring, it's probably me

41) We've just grown apart

42) The timing is bad.

43) I'm scared of your friends

44) I really did mean it when i said i'll love you forever. I just think we'll get along better if we end up with other people.

45) I'm just tired of spending so much money on a relationship I know won't last.

46)  Being with you has helped me realize that I am gay

47) I'm over it

48) I just can't give you the attention you deserve

49) I'm in a place where I really need to focus on my career.

And of course, the words that everyone in a relationship dreads to hear

50) We need to talk...

 I'm sure there are more than 50 ways to leave your lover, but we started running out of ideas.